Now, the short answer is "no," because I can't often restrict myself to ONE paragraph. But I'm going to make it an exercise. Here's some groundwork for the thing: Tuesday morning last week I had a hard emotional-release practice (after one of February's VERY few Primary series practices that Monday night) and I got crystal clarity about how my relationship with sex stuff both generally and specifically then, with J, goes. Part history, part interpersonal, but really clear vision. Then this afternoon, playing with the boy and Play-Doh, I got the rest of it.
Part of what makes me up (and I'm talking gunas here) is some kind of sexual samskara stuff; that's where a huge portion of my ego pain is, has been, and perhaps will be. Frustration, drive, anger, fear, like the whole Planet-Dagobah-training bit. "What's in there? Only what you take with you." In this incarnation? Long periods of frustration, focus, intellectualizing, processing fear, obeying it, defying it, achieving satisfaction, finding that satisfaction is inevitably unsatisfactory. Currently, a relationship that asks for a "simple sacrifice" of intimacy, but with a partner who doesn't realize how samskarically painful that "simple" sacrifice is, and therefore how "unsimple" it also is. "I didn't realize how big your ego was," she said, and I wanted to say, "Look, if you see a man running down the street with his hair on fire, the last thing you should call him is an egomaniac." But because this is perhaps THE problem, it is also THE solution. Read whoever--Sutras, Zen, Ingram, CTR, doesn't matter--and you see that realizing the ego as a costume is how you find enlightenment. So do kid care instead of climbing, bending, sexing, sacrifice what my ego says is my Whole Identity, to this day by day householding ordinariness? THAT IS THE PATH. And it's not EVEN the path. It's LIFE. The bottle of milk is the Guru. KAPOW!!